There's Not an App for That

It started out innocently enough: sporadic flirtation, some fumbles along the way, the awkward touch or two, but we eventually worked past those initial challenges. I mean, it wasn't love at first sight. Like that weird-smelling guy with the cane who always sits a little too close to me on the bus, ours was an awkward juxtaposition at first. We'd waited a long time to finally meet each other and I was just so nervous! I'd had hopes and dreams that someday we would be together; but things just never seemed to work out.

Once we were, though, it didn't take long for us to enter the heady, happy days of our early courtship, that "honeymoon" phase where all flaws are overlooked and forgiven. We were in each other's company constantly - but so many others like us were - I didn't think anything of it. Nothing out of the ordinary. It had been just weeks of pure bliss. Well, almost. There was no small amount of disconnect, for sure, but only when we were home. When we went out, everything was fine!

And then came Independence Day. We'd been inside hanging out - it was hot. And somewhere amid the flurry of fireworks and wafting odors of charcoal, you were gone. Nary a sound as you departed.

Just like that, iPhone 3G. You. Were. Gone.


Wow. It was all so unexpected. I thought things were good. I mean, not great, but good, you know? Surely we could have worked out any problems. Why didn't you say something? Will I ever feel like that again?

I waited and looked, searching for you everywhere, hoping you'd turn up in an unexpected place. I had my friends call you - yes, I'm that girl - desperately hoping you'd pick up. But you never did. And I expected to go my own way.

And then something magical happened. I met the iPhone 3G S. Sure, it wasn't the same. Is anything ever really comparable to your first love? But it was good. It was very good. It's like meeting your ex-boyfriend's cousin at a party and finding out he's both better looking and more talented. That's what it was like. And I was happy. We were happy.

Or so I thought. Things became increasingly fraught as your family's genetics once again reared their ugly head. The lack of communication! He just shut down for no apparent reason! And why do I have to register for free applications now?

But alas, I digress. I was a steamy August day, sweat beading on my forehead, my Neutrogena "dry touch" sunscreen permeating my palms. And I dropped him. Like the anger welling up in a t-shirt wearing, ignorant-vitriol-spewing, health-care-town-hall-meeting participant as she takes on her Senator, I was furious. At myself, at you, iPhone 3G, for abandoning me, lo, 6 weeks ago. The iPhone 3G S was great, sure. But it was no you.

I am now giving up. I'm terminating my contract. I'll pay the replacement costs, return your cousin to the IT Department, and seek higher grounds. Perhaps with the Palm Pre.

It was good while it lasted, this whirlwind romance of ours. Too bad it had to end in tragedy.